Foundational Processes for an Enduring, Healthy Marriage

This chapter focuses on key personal characteristics that lead to marital virtue-based interactions, as well as key interpersonal processes that bless marriages and prevent disruption.

Foundational Process #1: Personal Commitment to the Marriage Covenant
         The Family: A Proclamation to the World, makes it clear that marriage is a purposeful, divinely created relationship, not merely a social custom, and that couples have God-given covenant obligations to one another. In a talk called The Covenant Marriage Relationship, Elder David A. Bednar referenced the marriage triangle. The Savior is positioned at the top of the triangle with man and woman on the other sides. As the man and the woman come unto Christ, they also become closer to each other.

Foundational Process #2: Love and Friendship
        "husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other."- The Family: A Proclamation to the World. John 13:34 reads, " A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another;As I have loved you, that ye also love one another." This scripture sets a standard for the pure love of Christ that should be sought in marriage. Elder Marlin K. Jensen of the Seventy emphasized, "a relationship between a man and a woman that begins with friendship and then ripens into romance and eventually marriage will usually become an enduring, eternal friendship."

Successful Marriages and Families lists several things that couples can do to nurture love and friendship. They are: get in sync with your partner's love preferences, talk as friends, respond to bids for connection, and set goals for couple interaction. The chapter then goes on to list actual activities to accomplish these things.
1. Respond to bids for attention, affection, humor, or support. An announcement of, "I've had a rotten day" can be met with an acknowledgement of feelings, a hug, and an invitation to talk more about it.
2. Make an effort to do everyday activities together, such as reading the mail or making the bed.
3. Have a stress- reducing conversation at the end of the day. This involves reuniting at the end of a busy day to see how things went, and listening to and validating one another.
4. Do something special every day to communicate affection and appreciation.
5. Keep track of how well you are connecting emotionally with each other, and make enhancements when necessary.

Foundational Process #3: Positive Interaction
        Positive interactions with your spouse are vital to a healthy marriage. One thing that the chapter suggests is to enhance positive interaction in marriage, that you should focus on your spouse's positive qualities. President Gordon B. Hinckley taught, " I have witnessed much of the best and much of the worst in marriage... Faultfinding replaces praise. When we look for the worst in anyone, we will find it. But if we will concentrate on the best, that element will grow until it sparkles." This quote from President Hinckley reminded me that we need to set aside our differences with others, step back, and see what a great child of God they are. We all have differences, and those differences are what make us unique.

Foundational Process #4: Accepting Influence from One's Spouse
       "Accepting influence refers to counseling with and listening to one's spouse, respecting and considering his or her opinions as valid as one's own, and compromising when making decisions together." Part of the recipe for a happy, healthy marriage is for both partners to share equal ownership and influence in all family affairs. The Proclamation states that men and women are obligated to help one another as equal partners and that they will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.

Foundational Process #5: Respectfully Handle Differences and Solve Problems
       Elder Joe J. Christensen of the Seventy taught that, " any intelligent couple will have differences of opinion. Our challenge is to be sure that we know how to resolve them. That is part of the process of making a good marriage better." This chapter listed two ways to prevent problems in a marriage. They are: have charity and hold regular couple councils to discuss potential problems or differences. It goes on to list some advice on how to prevent problems and handle differences within marriage: eliminate destructive interaction patterns, calm yourself first, bring up the concern softly, gently, and privately, learn to make and receive repair attempts, soothe yourself and each other, and reach a consensus about a solution.

Foundational Process #6: Continuing Courtship through the Years
      What are some things couples can do to keep courtship alive through the years?
              - Attend to the little things
              - Be intentional about doing things every day to enrich the marriage
              - Spend at least five hours a week strengthening your relationship


Elder F. Burton Howard of the seventy shared this great quote, " If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently. You shield it and protect it. You never abuse it. You don't expose it to the elements. You don't make it common or ordinary. If it ever becomes tarnished, you lovingly polish it until it gleams like new. It become special because you have made it so, and it grows more beautiful and precious as time goes by. Eternal Marriage is just like that. We need to treat it that way."



I really enjoyed reading this chapter and learning the various different ways to have a happy, healthy enduring marriage. I have seen a happy and healthy marriage in my parents, and it makes me extremely excited to work towards a happy, healthy, and enduring marriage one day as well.

Young Adulthood and Pathways to Eternal Marriage

Jason S. Carroll, the author of this chapter states, " Although societal attitudes are changing about marriage and the transition to adulthood, the Lord's prophets have always emphasized the importance of marriage according to God's plan. Despite the emphasis the Lord's prophets have always placed on forming celestial marriage relationships, we live in a time when many people see the path toward marriage in a different life." People in the world, choose to live together before they are married and to have inappropriate relationships before they are married. This chapter goes on to list some of the pitfalls of current dating practices. Here are a few that are listed: Pessimism about marriage, getting ahead before getting wed, hanging out and hooking up, and an acceptance of cohabitation. It is really tough living in a world where people do not have strong moral values. I want to have a forever family, so I choose not to participate in those things.

Another big section in this chapter is finding a choice eternal companion. I am not married yet, so I really enjoyed this section. The Lord's Prophets have taught these "principles of finding" and have centered them primarily on teaching young people. These principles are: 1. When they should seek to get married. 2. Whom they should seek as a marriage companion. and 3. How to date in ways that will most likely lead toward the formation of eternal marriage.

When? - We are to prayerfully consider the timing of marriage in our own lives. " Marriage may or may not come during young adulthood, but young people should prepare themselves so that they are ready when a right opportunity presents itself." We are to trust the Lord and have faith in His timing. It will happen, when you and the Lord feel that you are ready.

Who? - Finding your Eternal Companion vs. a soul mate. Maintaining a relationship requires work, patience, personal growth, compromise, commitment, and sacrifice. Instead of a desire to find a soul mate, our desire should be to become eternal companions with our spouse in this life. " Eternal Companions are different than soul mates. While soul mates are found, eternal companions are chosen and made. Two people become uniquely suited for each other as they go through the experience of life together and learn to adapt and grow in ways that make them a better fit with their spouse."

How? - Elder Oaks encouraged young adults to date rather than hang out. He counseled young adults to engage in traditional dating patterns that can lead to exclusive dating, engagement, and marriage. Elder Oaks also taught that the goal of traditional dates is conversation and interaction, not entertainment. "A traditional dating experience provides young adults with greater self- awareness, greater appreciation of the range of potential partners, and greater preparation for marriage, which leads to wiser decision making about a marriage partner and increased confidence in later courtship." Once the couple feels comfortable with traditional dating, they move on to exclusive dating. This should only happen when couples are exploring a potential marriage relationship and then they can come to a decision on whether or not they should move forward to an engagement. " This transition should happen with open discussion between the partners."

The Proclamation: A Guide, a Banner, and a Doctrinal Summary of the Church's Emphasis on the Family

The above video, explains how important it is to have a close, loving family. 

A few semesters back, I took a class called Family Foundations. In this class, one of the assignments was to memorize The Family: A Proclamation to the World by the end of the semester. I really struggled with this at first. I didn't see the point in why we needed to memorize it other than to receive a passing grade. As I started to memorize it, my heart was changed. I grew to love and appreciate every single word that was written in the Proclamation. I do not remember every word that is written in the proclamation today, but I remember quite a few phrases. If you have not had the time to read through the Proclamation fully, and to ponder the words that are written, then I would suggest that you do so. I am extremely grateful that I was given the opportunity to memorize the Proclamation, and because of that experience, my testimony on the family has been strengthened immensely.

In, Successful Marriages and Families, it states, " The proclamation has been translated into more than 80 languages and distributed to thousands of citizens and leaders around the world." I think that it is amazing that it is translated into so many different languages for those around the world to read. I carry a little copy of the Proclamation in my scriptures. If you do not have one, I suggest you get one. For as long as I can remember, my parents have always had The Family: A Proclamation to the World hanging on a wall in our home. It is a great reminder on how we should love, care for, and honor our families.

Assignment

The purpose of me making this blog first and for most is because it is an assignment for one of my classes. But I also hope to learn a great deal by completing this assignment. And I hope to teach others as I share quotes from our Textbook, "Successful Marriages and Families," quotes/ videos from the Prophets and members of our church, and my personal thoughts on each of the topics.

The Family: A Proclamation to the World

       As a student at Brigham Young University Idaho, we have the opportunity to take classes that not only make us better people, but that strengthen our testimonies of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter- Day Saints. This semester I am enrolled in a class called The Family. Within this course, we focus on learning about The Family: A Proclamation to the World. If you haven't read it yet, I suggest that you do. Here is a link:  https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation . Throughout this semester, I will posting about different topics that can not only help me, but help you understand the Proclamation a little better.